It's really hard sometimes not to get scared when things get out of control, and it's felt like nearly everything except this blog has been out of control for months.
Today I had an eye exam with a specialist because of some irregularities on my annual exam last week. After looking into my eyes, dilating them, doing an ultrasound and finding out that I had tiny cataracts starting, that irregularity wasn't what they originally thought. I got a referral to get a CT scan, and that's scheduled for tomorrow. In the next few days I'll also be seeing a neurologist. The doctor also told me that they will probably do both an MRI and a spinal tap on me.
Honestly? I'm terrified. After losing Kim and Lamar last year, it's pretty scary for my whole family. But I'm also very aware of the things that are good, and trying very hard not to anticipate trouble. It's hit and miss right now. Mostly, I'm scared for my family. Sure, there's fear for myself in there somewhere, but where I keep sort of breaking down is thinking of how much it would hurt them to lose me. How much it hurt when I lost my mom in my 20s, and how much I don't want them going through that.
So one step at a time. Chances are more than reasonable that it's nothing major, or that it's fixable.
So today I photographed dandelions, and spent most of the day praying in the back of my mind as well. I also told everyone over and over again that I love them. They know it, but I want to make sure that I say it every time I think of it, of how much I adore my family.
The fear does help prioritize other worries. The financial issues from my husband having been out of work so long for example. It's something we can handle, as long as we get through this.