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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Dandelions, Fear and Family

It's really hard sometimes not to get scared when things get out of control, and it's felt like nearly everything except this blog has been out of control for months. 

Today I had an eye exam with a specialist because of some irregularities on my annual exam last week. After looking into my eyes, dilating them, doing an ultrasound and finding out that I had tiny cataracts starting, that irregularity wasn't what they originally thought. I got a referral to get a CT scan, and that's scheduled for tomorrow. In the next few days I'll also be seeing a neurologist. The doctor also told me that they will probably do both an MRI and a spinal tap on me. 

Honestly? I'm terrified. After losing Kim and Lamar last year, it's pretty scary for my whole family. But I'm also very aware of the things that are good, and trying very hard not to anticipate trouble.  It's hit and miss right now. Mostly, I'm scared for my family. Sure, there's fear for myself in there somewhere, but where I keep sort of breaking down is thinking of how much it would hurt them to lose me. How much it hurt when I lost my mom in my 20s, and how much I don't want them going through that.

So one step at a time. Chances are more than reasonable that it's nothing major, or that it's fixable. 

So today I photographed dandelions, and spent most of the day praying in the back of my mind as well. I also told everyone over and over again that I love them. They know it, but I want to make sure that I say it every time I think of it, of how much I adore my family.

The fear does help prioritize other worries. The financial issues from my husband having been out of work so long for example. It's something we can handle, as long as we get through this. 


  1. Much Love and many prayers, Please keep us posted

  2. Like you, I've been through years & years of loss, trials & tribulations, and diagnoised with numerous physical ailments that seem to get worse as I age - my fears went away when I "gave it all" to God, which in turn made me realize He was in control.Give it up and let it go! And when confronted with an issue, just say "gether done" or "let's do it".With that frame of mind you'll be able to get through anything!! Believe me :0)

  3. I never know how to be comforting at times like this. I wish I could give you a hug and make it all go away. However, like Diane says, prayers really do help and I am sure everyone will be adding you to their prayers.

  4. I'm just reading this now. I'm sending thoughts of calm and safety your way.
    Thinking of you and wishing for the best possible diagnosis and experience (and for as much peace as possible along the way).


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